But I find myself in a serious phase in my life situation right now. That is what I will ponder in this and probably a few following blogs. So get a cup of tea (or your beverage of choice) and get comfy if you choose to take this ride with me. I can't promise you will enjoy it, but if you read with an open heart the same way that I write it, you may find some diamonds amidst the muck. If you decide to bail out now, go with my blessings and gratitude for stopping by. For the rest of you, here we go!
My cat is dying. She has had a long life (15 1/2 years) and has been well-loved by her human friends since she was adopted from the Human Society at the barely-legal age of 6-8 weeks. She was named after a wonderful guitar master much admired by my ex-husband and myself. The guitarist’s name is Leo Kottke. Her's is Lea Kattke! She has also been called other names by humans who have met her. Princess (though she was NOT named for Princess Leah). Creamsicle Kitty because she is vanilla colored with orange highlights. She has been my special child - living most of the time in her reptilian brain. "Fight" was never an option for her. "Flight" was automatic even from her human companions if we moved too fast and startled her.
Her raison d’être, however, was to love. I've come to understand over the years that that is true for all beings, but most of us don't realize it. Lea embodied it. Here in her dwindling remaining days, she still does. And she is presenting me with the opportunity to explore my own relationship with life and death. I have resisted facing this lesson, but it is here nonetheless. She is dying and the question I am facing is what I do about that.
In the grand scheme of things, the life and death of a small cat is not terribly momentous. Billions of life forms are born and die every day. So why does this one matter? The answer is obvious, of course. It matters because I love her. I have formed an attachment to her over this past quarter of my life. She is an integral part of my life. I CHOSE to bring her into my life. She didn't, like my other two cats, join the household because they were abandoned and there was no one else to take them. I love and appreciate those two also, but I have to admit that they don't live deep in my heart like this one. There are two other cats with whom I DO have a heart connection but they have lived with my ex-husband for over five years and no longer know me. Lea is the last link to my former family. Her passing will close that chapter in a way that only dawned on me during this dance with the end of her life.
I have come to view the world from a Buddhist perspective and the tools I have acquired from those teachings are being put to the test. The main one, of course, is Non-Attachment. As the Buddha taught, it is attachment and aversion (both symptoms of wanting life to be other than it is) that cause suffering. We become attached to those things that we view as positive and suffer when we lose them. Or we try to push away things or situations which we see as negative and suffer when they hang around! Learning that everything must - by its very nature - change is disconcerting when we work so hard to create the conditions that we want in our lives. I KNOW that resisting change causes suffering, but I'm really not ready for THIS particular change.
Lea has been an old kitty for some time now. She sleeps most of the time and walks slowly. Heck, that sounds like a lot of older folks I know! But she took a hard turn for the worse on October 15th. Stopped eating or drinking and I thought she would die that weekend. (The 15th was, of course, a Friday and I couldn't get her in to see her regular vet before Monday. I could have taken her to the Emergency Pet Clinic but what would they be able to do? I figured they'd tell me I had an old, sick cat who was dying! I knew that! She didn't seem to be in pain, though, so I decided to just wait it out.) I posted on Facebook and got support from friends who said, "She'll tell you when she's ready to go". My other two cats who I had to have euthanized did just that. It was very clear that they were ready to go. It was still hard, but there was no question in my mind that I was doing the right thing FOR THE SAKE OF THE CAT!
Last week, when I was confronting the choice, I called my ex-husband and he met me at the clinic. Nick had found Lea when we were at the Humane Society all those years ago so she is as much his cat as mine. He helped me to work through the painful decision. One of his comments was especially helpful. When I pointed out that she keeps trying, he said, "That's what Life does. Life wants to continue. It's programmed to expend every effort to survive." She may keep "surviving" and it may be up to me to choose when to end her struggle. I keep hoping for clarity, but it hasn't come yet.
This weekend I will observe the pagan holiday of Samhain on which Halloween is based. Twenty years ago October 31, 1990, my older sister died after a battle with breast cancer. For years, I hated Halloween. But then a met friends who were pagan and Wiccan and they told me about Samhain, when the veil between the worlds of living and dead were so porous that spirits could cross over. That belief has helped me to heal my relationship with my sister even though she is no longer living. Same with my father who died four years later. This year, I’m asking them to come get my sweet little cat and take her to the spirit world. That would be a nice, convenient and elegant resolution to this situation. If it happens, I will be deeply grateful. If not, I will know when the time is right. I feel that in my heart and I’m reaching peace.
I will take Lea’s spirit as well as those of my family who have passed on before me to the Samhain ritual on Sunday. I will share my love with them and honor their lives and their effect on mine. These lessons are hard but must be learned if I’m to walk the path of peace and let go of suffering. I am grateful to all my friends who have sent their prayers and blessings in so many different forms. Energetically, they are all the same and they warm my heart and strengthen my spirit to face this challenge. Yes, she is “just” a small cat, but the lessons will apply to other situations I have yet to face. She has been a blessing in my life. Thank you for witnessing these steps of my journey. My hope is that some of my words may resonate with you and bring you some peace.
