Let the Tears of the Fathers Be Shed by the Daughters

On a warm summer morning recently, I walked a labyrinth with my father, his father, and his father's father. I am alive. They are not. My father died in 1994, Grandpa Menzies in 1965 and my great grandfather in 1947, the year before I was born . But they were unquestionably there and this is their story as much as it is mine.

Back in July, I was on a weekend retreat, “Sea & Sky & Soul: A Kundalini Yoga and Meditation Retreat” led by my amazing friend Diane Bunting (Shamsher http://yoga-with-shamsher.com/ ) in nearby Gig Harbor, WA. We gathered at a delightful gem of a B&B, No Cabbages (http://nocabbages.com/ ), and then journeyed from there to several spots in the woods and near water to practice meditations and mantras. Each day began with a hour of Kundalini yoga. But that is for another story. This one had roots much farther back.


When a relationship ended a few months ago, it triggered in me some deep wounds that had never healed. It was time to finally face those emotions and free myself from the pain I'd carried all my life. (That story is told in my previous blog “May Joy Never Leave You.”)

I knew that if I wanted to break my pattern of failed relationships, it was time to heal the one with the first "man in my life" - my father. One step in that healing took place a few weeks earlier when I did a sweat lodge on Bainbridge Island. At the beginning of the lodge, I invited my father's spirit to join me so that his pain could also be transformed by the work that I would do that day. “Together,” we worked on forgiveness and letting go of the story that had held me captive for so long. My heart began to soften towards him and also myself. It was a step but I knew there would be more to this journey! The “more” showed up on the meditation retreat!

As we sat around the breakfast table at No Cabbages Saturday morning, one of the women asked about the labyrinth that Jamee and Dal had built in their woods. She had never walked a labyrinth and wanted to know what it meant. Many of us had walked them in the past and several women shared their stories. I had chosen that morning after yoga and our morning meditation to maintain silence so I sat quietly listening as the others spoke of their experiences. At one point, Jamee told us that many visitors to the B&B were very drawn to the labyrinth and that they had even held children's birthday parties there. The guests would walk into the center of the labyrinth where the birthday child would be waiting. Each person would light a candle and tell the honoree how they loved her or him. Jamee spoke of watching fathers doing this and being visibly moved by the experience.

At that point, I was overwhelmed by grief and had to leave the table. I knew what my next step would have to be.  I headed for the clearing in the grove of trees which held the labyrinth. On the path, there is a threshold with the word “Surrender” carved into it. As I stepped over that board, I agreed to do just that!

On reaching the entrance to the labyrinth, I paused to remove my shoes and then quietly called to my father inviting him to walk this path with me. Then I stepped into the spiral and, with tears already streaming down my face, fell off the edge of the world. As my bare feet sought out the path under the lush foliage, I thought of the kinship I feel in these forests. One of the early European naturalists to visit these lands was Archibald Menzies and some of our common native plants bear his name. Here in the clearing were Douglas fir (Pseudotsuga menziesii) standing watch over me and the piggy-back plant (Tolmiea menziesii) brushing my feet as I passed by. I felt that my Menzies ancestors were present in these green beings! It warmed my heart even as I wept.

Then, as I stumbled along the narrow pathway, I suddenly bent over under an overwhelming burden of sorrow. My tears became deep, wracking sobs as waves of anguish broke over me. I was struck by the absolute certainty that I was not alone. Nor was I walking solely with my father. I knew on a cellular level that he had called in HIS father to walk with us! And my grandfather had, in turn, called his OWN father, the great grandfather I had never known, to come along!   I had invited my father to lay down the pain he had carried while living his life with an armored heart, and to finally open, even now many years after his death, to loving and being loved by me. As I felt him answer that call and begin the journey, these other Menzies men who had carried the same burden slipped through the crack between the worlds and brought with them the grief they had stoically carried all their lives.

For a few moments, I literally could not move as my body shook and I wailed from the pain. As the pressure eased a bit, I resumed my halting steps dumping our combined sorrows into the bosom of the earth. I had learned years ago that the earth can handle all our emotional energy, transforming that into lush “compost” and returning it cleansed of toxins to nourish us and all beings. I surrendered myself into Her loving arms and made my way into the center, the deep womb of the labyrinth.

But there was one more challenge to face! As I turned the last corner and approached the center altar with its smooth paving stones, I saw a carved threshold sign which read “Gratitude.” Again, I was overcome with pain as I heard the voices of these men whose legacy I carried cry out that they did not deserve to go any further! They were paralyzed! How could they be grateful? How could they accept MY gratitude after all the anger and fear and grief they had passed down to me? In the face of that pain, my heart melted with compassion. I knew they had done their best. That they had loved their children the way they had been taught by their fathers AND their mothers. With the courage of that deep knowing, I stepped across into the center and, after circling the altar, I lay down on the cool stones and rested.

After a while, my tears having stopped, I stood up and approached the altar. I picked up a small candle, lit it from the pillar candle burning in the center, and began to tell my father the ways that I loved him and the gratitude I had for the many gifts he had given me throughout the half century plus when we had both walked this earth. He was my first guide to a deep love of the natural world and that laid the foundation of my life's journey. I literally grew up following him through his garden until he finally marked out a plot for me to cultivate! There was much more that I shared with him in that hushed glade that morning in July, and it felt so liberating to speak loving words and feel that they were heard. A deep healing had begun.

But now it was time to say goodbye and travel the path back out from the sheltering womb and rejoin the outside world. My steps were more solid and sure as I traced in reverse the path we had walked what seemed like ages ago. I knew that the energetic blocks that had been stored for so long in painful knots and tender places in my body were starting to unwind and dissolve. It was far from completed but at least the healing had begun. I prayed that we would all rest a bit easier having shared this walk in the forest.

As I look back on that day, I am grateful for the blessing of shedding the tears of my male ancestors along with my own. Together we brought back to life a bit more of the Sacred Masculine. As I work to bring balance back into the my world, the Sacred Feminine in me delights in this healing. And I hope that this story may bring joy to your life and that you find peace with all your relations.

May Joy Never Leave You!

My Journey From Fear of Abandonment to the Abandonment of Fear

It's been said that the Universe will keep presenting you with the same situation over and over until you finally LEARN the lesson contained in that story. I got one of those "presents" a few months ago. When a relationship ended in May, I found myself immersed in an energetic vortex that threatened to suck me down into the depths of despair. While I carried plenty of feelings about this particular ending, my grief was way out of proportion for that relationship alone. It was soon clear to me that some deep wounds that had never healed had been torn open.

As I struggled with the roller coaster that was becoming my life, a friend reminded me that I was going through a chemical withdrawal as intense as that from any other drug. He told me about a book he'd heard of called The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love by Susan Kuchinskas. Well, since I'd gotten my degree in chemistry back in the Dark Ages, I thought this sounded interesting. I went online and ordered a copy. I knew my neurochemicals were running amok, but didn't know what to do about it. I was afraid that I was sliding into depression again and, having been there way too many times in my life, I knew I didn't want to go there again. Maybe this book would have some clues.

When the book arrived, I dove in. The author began to explain how as infants we form a connection with our primary caregiver, usually our mother. As she holds us and gazes into our eyes, a bond begins to form. In that moment, both our brains are bathed in oxytocin. We feel a sense of ease and connection. We both want to experience that feeling again. If our needs for this connection continue to be met throughout the coming days and months, this response grows strong in us. When we grow up, we are able to form healthy connections with others. But if something goes wrong, if our needs aren't met consistently, we can develop patterns that make future relationships difficult or impossible.

I began to think back to my first days in this world. No, I don't actually recall them, at least not on a conscious level, but I know some basic information that led me to suspect that this bonding probably went awry with both of my parents. Not that they were bad people. In fact they were very good people. They took care of all three of their children. But they couldn't give us something they hadn't gotten from their own parents. And their family trees were firmly planted in the often barren and rocky soils of Scotland and Germany. I imagine that their parents had never learned to open their hearts and truly gather their children in either. Emotionally unavailable parents often pass this on to their children and so, I believe, it was with my parents.

I have carried a sense of abandonment for as long as I can remember. Though my parents were always "present", they were not "available." I felt I had to continually earn their love by DOING something, never believing that I was worthy of love just by BEING! And I knew it was time to let that story go so I could have a new and different relationship - to myself, my parents and to any future partner I might find. It was time to forgive my parents for the unintentional wound they had inflicted. It was time to forgive myself for nursing that wound and playing out that victim drama over and over. I understood now the likely reason I had chosen the men that I had. I realized that through my choices I was actually setting myself up for inevitable abandonment! I was recreating the dance with my emotionally unavailable father. I knew I didn't want to keep repeating this painful pattern any longer. And understanding the WHY of one's actions is often crucial to being able to do things differently. Now was the time to learn this lesson that the Universe had presented to me so often in my lifetime. Now was the time to let the story go. To do that, I had to go back to the beginning!

Some years back, I had worked with a therapist who did re-parenting therapy. I had gained a great deal from that work, but it was obvious that a core piece remained unhealed. It was time, now that the wound was opened again, to get to the bottom of this original pain and heal it, hopefully for good. A friend who has also done this type of therapy shared with me that she has a doll who represents her "little girl." The doll is a surrogate that she is able to hold and nurture, all the time allowing that energy to actually heal her own deep wounds. She suggested that I might want to do something similar. When I came home that day, my eyes fell on the old, raggedy teddy bear that I have had since I was about three years old. Though I had always thought of this toy as "male", it had been with me most of my life and I felt I could work with the gender ambiguity! "Timmy" would represent my infant self and I could "re-parent" myself!

Coincidentally, about this same time, I had a vision while dancing at my Sunday morning Soul Motion practice. While deep in my grief and with my eyes closed, I saw myself at the moment of birth. As I emerged from my mother's body, my adult self caught the infant that was also me and lovingly embraced the tiny body. I knew that I had a chance energetically to now give myself all that I felt I'd missed since my original birth! Now, as I held my teddy bear, I began that process. Every night before falling asleep and every morning on awakening, I began to tell that surrogate being, "I love you! I will always be here for you. In truth, you have never been alone! Never abandoned! You have always been connected to the Infinite Heart of the Universe, the source of all Love and Healing." As I say these words, my heart softens towards the little, lonely child that I often see when I recall my childhood. My compassionate arms gather her in and both of us bask in those waves of oxytocin. The wound has begun to heal.

The negative energy, this fear locked up in my body tissues along with the old story of abandonment, the drama that I had been identified with for so long, has begun to let go. As that energy emerges, I direct it down deep into Mother Earth. I learned years ago that She can take all our energy whether we think of it as good or bad, positive or negative, and reuse it. She is the original and the ultimate recycler! So I don't worry about giving my grief and pain and "negative stuff" to Her. She finds that as juicy as a fresh peach in summer! And I can draw up new energy from her also. This is just another example of letting go of waste products and taking on nourishment! A necessary part of life.

One more gift I have given myself in this journey has been a new middle name. My parents gave me the name Patricia Jo. I assumed the Jo was after my mother's father, Joseph, and often joked that I'd have been Patrick Joseph had I been a boy. As much of a "tom boy" as I turned out to be, I believe this masculine energy was strong in me too. But a few years back, I decided I would amend my natal name just a tad by adding a "Y" to my middle name. I wanted to have more joy in my life and thought that right smack dab in the middle of my name was a good place to start! So I have begun to call myself Patricia Joy, especially in sacred space. Sometimes, I think of my infant self simply as Joy. And when I do, a phrase from the practice of Mudita, sympathetic joy, as taught by my dharma teacher, echoes through my mind: "May you know the joy that is without sorrow and may that joy never leave you!" I whisper to myself, "Joy will never leave you! And I will never leave Joy!" May Joy never leave you either.

Ultimate Council of all Beings

In 1995, my then-husband and I went to a meeting for new volunteers at the Tacoma/Pierce County Humane Society. I headed for the meeting but he turned the other way – towards the cattery! When he joined me a short while later, he spoke words that would change my life. As I recall, he said, “There's this little Siamese kitten you've got to come see.”

The upshot was that we left that night as newly-minted volunteers for the Pet Behavior Hotline and the happy “owners” of another cat to join the two we already had. A few days later, tiny bundle of white fur with red-orange highlights was christened Lea Kattke – a tribute to one of our favorite musicians. A journey began for me that night which ended on October 29, 2010.

In my previous blog, I shared the final steps of that journey as Lea and I moved towards letting go of the final threads that held her to this manifested form and releasing her to her next role as one of what I have come to call the Ultimate Spiritual Council of All Beings. (Thanks to Joanna Macy for that format.) Here is the vision that was given to me gradually over this past year as more and more friends spoke of the passing of their elderly cats and dogs.

Early in the 1990s, Beings began to manifest on a troubled Earth. Each found its way to the household of humans who had begun to awaken. Over the years, these beings have observed their companions and learned how they viewed the world. They have likely subtly guided their human charges along the path to enlightenment as far as the person was able to go.

But times are dire on this planet and the human species as a whole has resisted the wake-up call of the Universe. While many move forwards towards realizing the potential of Homo divinus, the evolutionary transformation to enlightened humankind, the backlash has also grown in strength. It has reached a new crisis point in this year of 2010. Decisive action was needed and the Universe took a necessary step. She called the Council home.

One by one, they have gotten the message that their time with us was done and they were needed on the other side of the veil. They have reluctantly wrapped up their missions, bid us goodbye, shed their manifested forms and taken their places on the Spiritual Council of All Beings tasked with nothing less than “saving the world”. Though all Beings are represented on this Council, those who have shared our homes have an unprecedented role on this current council. The humans they have grown to know and love over the last decade or two have had good hearts and have struggled to make the world a better, safer, more peaceful place where all beings could thrive. And the lessons and insight that these non-human spirits have gleaned are now needed to attempt to awaken the rest of humanity.

It is my humble opinion that this is the reason that so many dearly beloved “pets” are departing this life this year. So many of my friends have lost animal companions – especially elder cats and dogs – that I became convinced that we were seeing the fruition of a planned intervention or fact-finding mission by the Universe – a mission of last resort to find a solution to the species which had run amok and was threatening to cause its own extinction as well as that of many others throughout the earth.

I was one of the humans who had been blessed with the friendship of one of these gentle beings for over fifteen years. I am grateful for the love and companionship of the one I knew as Lea Kattke. I wish I could recall all of the others who have reported the transitions of their friends. I am going to add the couple that I remember off the top of my head. If you who have read this offering have a name you'd like to add to the roster, please send the details and I will update the list. This is my way of honoring these precious souls who have graced us for all these years and are now in service to all creation on this Ultimate Council to save us from ourselves.

The Ultimate Spiritual Council of All Beings

Human-companion contingent

Name	Species	Age	Transition Day	Human Companion
Lea Kattke	Cat	15 ½	October 29, 2010	Patricia Menzies
Mellilot	Cat			Mark Smythe
Nestabear	Dog	13+	September 8, 2010	Marisha Auerbach
Sunkissed aka LoveSkunk	Cat	18	2010	Elizabeth Elza Clark
Spirit	Dog	15	November 21, 2010	Chatara Hajje Ontiveros
Batcat	Cat	18	August 14, 2010 (?)	Michael
Phoebe	Cat	22	March 2010	Deanna & Rich Parker
Kitten	Cat	15	2010	Bill Riley
Rigley	Dog	15	2010	Bill Riley

- All My Relations -

Dancing with Death

As you can probably tell by the title, I'm not going to be writing a humorous blog.  I might come up with a funny remark from time to time.  Some folks think I'm fairly witty.  Others say I have no sense of humor at all.  Usually I hear that when I don't laugh at their jokes!

But I find myself in a serious phase in my life situation right now.  That is what I will ponder in this and probably a few following blogs.  So get a cup of tea (or your beverage of choice) and get comfy if you choose to take this ride with me.  I can't promise you will enjoy it, but if you read with an open heart the same way that I write it, you may find some diamonds amidst the muck.  If you decide to bail out now, go with my blessings and gratitude for stopping by.  For the rest of you, here we go!

My cat is dying.  She has had a long life (15 1/2 years) and has been well-loved by her human friends since she was adopted from the Human Society at the barely-legal age of 6-8 weeks.  She was named after a wonderful guitar master much admired by my ex-husband and myself.  The guitarist’s name is Leo Kottke.  Her's is Lea Kattke!  She has also been called other names by humans who have met her.  Princess (though she was NOT named for Princess Leah).  Creamsicle Kitty because she is vanilla colored with orange highlights.  She has been my special child - living most of the time in her reptilian brain.  "Fight" was never an option for her.  "Flight" was automatic even from her human companions if we moved too fast and startled her.

Her raison d’être, however, was to love.  I've come to understand over the years that that is true for all beings, but most of us don't realize it.  Lea embodied it.  Here in her dwindling remaining days, she still does.  And she is presenting me with the opportunity to explore my own relationship with life and death.  I have resisted facing this lesson, but it is here nonetheless.  She is dying and the question I am facing is what I do about that.

In the grand scheme of things, the life and death of a small cat is not terribly momentous.  Billions of life forms are born and die every day.  So why does this one matter?  The answer is obvious, of course.  It matters because I love her.  I have formed an attachment to her over this past quarter of my life.  She is an integral part of my life.  I CHOSE to bring her into my life.  She didn't, like my other two cats, join the household because they were abandoned and there was no one else to take them.  I love and appreciate those two also, but I have to admit that they don't live deep in my heart like this one.  There are two other cats with whom I DO have a heart connection but they have lived with my ex-husband for over five years and no longer know me.  Lea is the last link to my former family.  Her passing will close that chapter in a way that only dawned on me during this dance with the end of her life.

I have come to view the world from a Buddhist perspective and the tools I have acquired from those teachings are being put to the test.  The main one, of course, is Non-Attachment.  As the Buddha taught, it is attachment and aversion (both symptoms of wanting life to be other than it is) that cause suffering.  We become attached to those things that we view as positive and suffer when we lose them.  Or we try to push away things or situations which we see as negative and suffer when they hang around!  Learning that everything must - by its very nature - change is disconcerting when we work so hard to create the conditions that we want in our lives.  I KNOW that resisting change causes suffering, but I'm really not ready for THIS particular change.

Lea has been an old kitty for some time now.  She sleeps most of the time and walks slowly.  Heck, that sounds like a lot of older folks I know!  But she took a hard turn for the worse on October 15th.  Stopped eating or drinking and I thought she would die that weekend.  (The 15th was, of course, a Friday and I couldn't get her in to see her regular vet before Monday.  I could have taken her to the Emergency Pet Clinic but what would they be able to do?  I figured they'd tell me I had an old, sick cat who was dying!  I knew that!  She didn't seem to be in pain, though, so I decided to just wait it out.)  I posted on Facebook and got support from friends who said, "She'll tell you when she's ready to go".  My other two cats who I had to have euthanized did just that.  It was very clear that they were ready to go.  It was still hard, but there was no question in my mind that I was doing the right thing FOR THE SAKE OF THE CAT!



Last week, when I was confronting the choice, I called my ex-husband and he met me at the clinic.  Nick had found Lea when we were at the Humane Society all those years ago so she is as much his cat as mine.  He helped me to work through the painful decision.  One of his comments was especially helpful.  When I pointed out that she keeps trying, he said, "That's what Life does.  Life wants to continue.  It's programmed to expend every effort to survive."  She may keep "surviving" and it may be up to me to choose when to end her struggle.  I keep hoping for clarity, but it hasn't come yet.

This weekend I will observe the pagan holiday of Samhain on which Halloween is based.  Twenty years ago October 31, 1990, my older sister died after a battle with breast cancer.  For years, I hated Halloween.  But then a met friends who were pagan and Wiccan and they told me about Samhain, when the veil between the worlds of living and dead were so porous that spirits could cross over.  That belief has helped me to heal my relationship with my sister even though she is no longer living.  Same with my father who died four years later.  This year, I’m asking them to come get my sweet little cat and take her to the spirit world.  That would be a nice, convenient and elegant resolution to this situation.  If it happens, I will be deeply grateful. If not, I will know when the time is right.  I feel that in my heart and I’m reaching peace.

I will take Lea’s spirit as well as those of my family who have passed on before me to the Samhain ritual on Sunday.  I will share my love with them and honor their lives and their effect on mine.  These lessons are hard but must be learned if I’m to walk the path of peace and let go of suffering.  I am grateful to all my friends who have sent their prayers and blessings in so many different forms.  Energetically, they are all the same and they warm my heart and strengthen my spirit to face this challenge.  Yes, she is “just” a small cat, but the lessons will apply to other situations I have yet to face.  She has been a blessing in my life.  Thank you for witnessing these steps of my journey.  My hope is that some of my words may resonate with you and bring you some peace.