May Joy Never Leave You!

My Journey From Fear of Abandonment to the Abandonment of Fear

It's been said that the Universe will keep presenting you with the same situation over and over until you finally LEARN the lesson contained in that story. I got one of those "presents" a few months ago. When a relationship ended in May, I found myself immersed in an energetic vortex that threatened to suck me down into the depths of despair. While I carried plenty of feelings about this particular ending, my grief was way out of proportion for that relationship alone. It was soon clear to me that some deep wounds that had never healed had been torn open.

As I struggled with the roller coaster that was becoming my life, a friend reminded me that I was going through a chemical withdrawal as intense as that from any other drug. He told me about a book he'd heard of called The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love by Susan Kuchinskas. Well, since I'd gotten my degree in chemistry back in the Dark Ages, I thought this sounded interesting. I went online and ordered a copy. I knew my neurochemicals were running amok, but didn't know what to do about it. I was afraid that I was sliding into depression again and, having been there way too many times in my life, I knew I didn't want to go there again. Maybe this book would have some clues.

When the book arrived, I dove in. The author began to explain how as infants we form a connection with our primary caregiver, usually our mother. As she holds us and gazes into our eyes, a bond begins to form. In that moment, both our brains are bathed in oxytocin. We feel a sense of ease and connection. We both want to experience that feeling again. If our needs for this connection continue to be met throughout the coming days and months, this response grows strong in us. When we grow up, we are able to form healthy connections with others. But if something goes wrong, if our needs aren't met consistently, we can develop patterns that make future relationships difficult or impossible.

I began to think back to my first days in this world. No, I don't actually recall them, at least not on a conscious level, but I know some basic information that led me to suspect that this bonding probably went awry with both of my parents. Not that they were bad people. In fact they were very good people. They took care of all three of their children. But they couldn't give us something they hadn't gotten from their own parents. And their family trees were firmly planted in the often barren and rocky soils of Scotland and Germany. I imagine that their parents had never learned to open their hearts and truly gather their children in either. Emotionally unavailable parents often pass this on to their children and so, I believe, it was with my parents.

I have carried a sense of abandonment for as long as I can remember. Though my parents were always "present", they were not "available." I felt I had to continually earn their love by DOING something, never believing that I was worthy of love just by BEING! And I knew it was time to let that story go so I could have a new and different relationship - to myself, my parents and to any future partner I might find. It was time to forgive my parents for the unintentional wound they had inflicted. It was time to forgive myself for nursing that wound and playing out that victim drama over and over. I understood now the likely reason I had chosen the men that I had. I realized that through my choices I was actually setting myself up for inevitable abandonment! I was recreating the dance with my emotionally unavailable father. I knew I didn't want to keep repeating this painful pattern any longer. And understanding the WHY of one's actions is often crucial to being able to do things differently. Now was the time to learn this lesson that the Universe had presented to me so often in my lifetime. Now was the time to let the story go. To do that, I had to go back to the beginning!

Some years back, I had worked with a therapist who did re-parenting therapy. I had gained a great deal from that work, but it was obvious that a core piece remained unhealed. It was time, now that the wound was opened again, to get to the bottom of this original pain and heal it, hopefully for good. A friend who has also done this type of therapy shared with me that she has a doll who represents her "little girl." The doll is a surrogate that she is able to hold and nurture, all the time allowing that energy to actually heal her own deep wounds. She suggested that I might want to do something similar. When I came home that day, my eyes fell on the old, raggedy teddy bear that I have had since I was about three years old. Though I had always thought of this toy as "male", it had been with me most of my life and I felt I could work with the gender ambiguity! "Timmy" would represent my infant self and I could "re-parent" myself!

Coincidentally, about this same time, I had a vision while dancing at my Sunday morning Soul Motion practice. While deep in my grief and with my eyes closed, I saw myself at the moment of birth. As I emerged from my mother's body, my adult self caught the infant that was also me and lovingly embraced the tiny body. I knew that I had a chance energetically to now give myself all that I felt I'd missed since my original birth! Now, as I held my teddy bear, I began that process. Every night before falling asleep and every morning on awakening, I began to tell that surrogate being, "I love you! I will always be here for you. In truth, you have never been alone! Never abandoned! You have always been connected to the Infinite Heart of the Universe, the source of all Love and Healing." As I say these words, my heart softens towards the little, lonely child that I often see when I recall my childhood. My compassionate arms gather her in and both of us bask in those waves of oxytocin. The wound has begun to heal.

The negative energy, this fear locked up in my body tissues along with the old story of abandonment, the drama that I had been identified with for so long, has begun to let go. As that energy emerges, I direct it down deep into Mother Earth. I learned years ago that She can take all our energy whether we think of it as good or bad, positive or negative, and reuse it. She is the original and the ultimate recycler! So I don't worry about giving my grief and pain and "negative stuff" to Her. She finds that as juicy as a fresh peach in summer! And I can draw up new energy from her also. This is just another example of letting go of waste products and taking on nourishment! A necessary part of life.

One more gift I have given myself in this journey has been a new middle name. My parents gave me the name Patricia Jo. I assumed the Jo was after my mother's father, Joseph, and often joked that I'd have been Patrick Joseph had I been a boy. As much of a "tom boy" as I turned out to be, I believe this masculine energy was strong in me too. But a few years back, I decided I would amend my natal name just a tad by adding a "Y" to my middle name. I wanted to have more joy in my life and thought that right smack dab in the middle of my name was a good place to start! So I have begun to call myself Patricia Joy, especially in sacred space. Sometimes, I think of my infant self simply as Joy. And when I do, a phrase from the practice of Mudita, sympathetic joy, as taught by my dharma teacher, echoes through my mind: "May you know the joy that is without sorrow and may that joy never leave you!" I whisper to myself, "Joy will never leave you! And I will never leave Joy!" May Joy never leave you either.